By
Murray Lincoln
Knowing
where to begin this story is the hard part.
Yet when I look back now, this story has many difficult parts.
In fact the life that you are about to meet is filled with
nightmares of the worst kind, that most will never understand.
Some of us have come to share a little of the nightmares – but
in reality only Eddie knows how terrible it can be.
Well that may not be true – actually only Eddie and God know.
And I can testify that God truly cares – does God ever care!
This
is Eddie’s story. Eddie
is a 40 year old, unmarried man that has just been released from the
Regional Treatment Centre in Kingston, Ontario after serving 14 years
for his horrific crime.
It
is also one of Dan Haley’s stories. Dan is our community chaplain that
serves in the Peterborough area helping men to reintegrate to the
outside world after having been in the Federal prison system of Canada.
Further
it is the story of how a community of believers comes alive with the
love of God to demonstrate his mercy and true reconciliation.
Perhaps this is the greatest part to tell – but then how can
anyone describe the love of our great God?
The
setting that I am taking you to is in my office at Northview Pentecostal
Church in Peterborough, Ontario. I
am with Dan Haley, community chaplain, and Eddie, an ex-offender living
in our community. Dan and I
have worked closely together for the past four years.
I met Eddie a few months ago.
ML
– “Eddie can you share some of your life story with me?”
Eddie
begins….
“Sure.
On April 17, 2003 after 14 years and 6 months I was released from
prison. I was walking out
free yet not really knowing I was free.
My past was too terrible to tell anyone about.
I had served my time for attempted murder, having tried to
sacrifice my own sister to Satan. I
had also sexually assaulted my sister when she was twelve years old.
I had been a drug addict, an alcoholic and also suffer from
Schizophrenia.” (As I
listen to him, I notice the soft voice he uses at this point.
He is ashamed of what has happened.)
“Prior
to the night I attacked my sister, slitting her throat, I can remember
walking through the park in our city many times, up to 2:00 to 3:00 in
the morning, looking for someone to sacrifice to Satan.
I was planning the murder of people I didn’t even know.
I thought that I would get lots of money and power if I carried
this out.”
ML
– “How and when did you turn to Satanism?”
Eddie
– “My Dad was a drunk. He
would return home drunk and then beat my mother and the four of us boys.
With my mom covered in bruises, dressed up pretty, he would force
all of us to go to church. The
priest looked at us each Sunday and would say, “What a wonderful
family!” yet he would do nothing about the violence. The church
didn’t care what was happening. God
didn’t stop the nightmare that was going on.”
“Some
where before I was 17 my friends had told me about the power that Satan
had to offer. When I was 17
I joined the army and during that time began to study about Satan.
I turned to Satan because you could do both drugs and alcohol and
all the other bad things and it wasn’t considered wrong.
With Satan you were rewarded for the wrong you did.
No one would get down on you.”
“I
began by reading the Satanic Bible and other things about Satanism. It made me feel powerful.
I thought this is great, I wish I could do these things too.
I progressed to the stage where I could do invocation and
evocations. I invoked Satan
to come into my life – I gave my soul to him. I then began to evoke his power to control situations and
people.”
ML
– “Dan, when did the two of you meet?”
Dan
– “Two years ago.”
Eddie
added – “An Anglican priest, that I had come to know inside,
suggested that I meet Dan and that he may be able to help me.”
Dan
– “I had no idea what I was getting into.
Our meeting was a shock to me.
The Anglican Chaplain brought Eddie in.
I stood up and Eddie came over to me with his hand out saying,
“Hi, I’m Eddie and I’m a Satanist.”
I put my hand out and said, “Hi, I’m Dan and I am a born
again Christian.” When I
came back to Peterborough that day I said to my support team – “This
is way over my head – this guy is a Satanist and a Schizophrenic – I
have no idea what to do! The
cops are going to love me for this one!
What are WE going to do?”
Eddie
– “Even after I talked with Dan and told him some of my stories he
came back to see me. I
thought he would just run away like others had.
I thought – “This guys really cares!”
ML
– “When did you get free of Satanism?”
Eddie
– “In prison I began studying the Wicca religion.
I became a follower and began to read all I could. It was the closest I could get to Satanism while in prison.
Most of the guys that I knew in Wicca were actually Satanist and
were able to continue their worship of Satan this way - legally.
After the meeting with Dan and speaking with the Anglican
Chaplain, something started happening in me.
At nights I began having more nightmares.
The nightmares turned into thoughts during the day.
My head was filled with the thoughts that – “If I die, I will
burn in Hell for what I have done!
I am going to burn in Hell.”
The ‘fear’ came back. These
thoughts frightened me so bad and I was in such a terrible state – I
realized that I had to do something to stop this.
I packed up all my Wicca things and carried them to the Chaplain.
I passed them over to him and said, “I don’t want these
anymore!” The Chaplain smiled and said, “Welcome back.”
With
the Chaplain’s help I received ‘absolution for my sin’.
I restated my baptism. Everything
began to change.”
Dan
responded at this point – “Over the next two years, as I visited
with Eddie, I could see the change in him.
Something was happening. God
was cleaning him up. You
could see it happening in front of your eyes.
I changed too. Because
of the stories I had heard about Satanists and Satanic worship I was
afraid. I thought –
“How am I going to deal with this?”
And now – right in front of me – God was doing something
amazing! I didn’t need to
do anything. God did it
all.”
ML
– “Let’s talk about the day you were released from Prison.
What happened and how did you feel?”
Dan
was the first to respond as he laughed, “We headed for a coffee shop
for a real cup of coffee. We
went through the ‘Drive Through’ because Eddie was afraid to get out
of the van.”
Eddie
– “I couldn’t believe it was really happening!
I could see real trees. It
had been 14 years since I had seen a tree.
Dan said my eyes were popping out.
I just couldn’t believe it.”
ML
– “Why was that Eddie?”
Eddie
– “For 14 years the horrible voices inside of me had said – they
will kill you in KP (short for Kingston Penitentiary of which the
Regional Treatment Center is part of.).
I was convinced that if I stepped anywhere near the KP facility I
would die. I was convinced
that the guards would suddenly shoot me. When they called and told me to
get ready I began walking toward the exit of the RTC.
The guards stopped me and said I had to go another way out –
through KP. The fear in me
was more than I can tell you. I thought it is going to happen.
They are going to shoot me – just like the voices have told me.
The walk through KP was less than 30 seconds but it seemed like
hours. The gate opened and
all I could see was Dan and Jim as they stood beside Dan’s van.
I still couldn’t believe it.
I was sure that it was a dream.
I was alive and still walking. I thought the world had stopped
– kind of like slow motion.”
Dan
– “There is no way to tell you what he looked like.
His eyes were wide and he walked kind of stiff.
He truly didn’t think he was out.
It was a dream! It was like he was sleep walking.”
ML
– “When did you begin to feel ‘more normal’?”
Eddie
– “I can’t walk outside by myself yet.
I feel like I have a big Neon sign across my forehead that says,
LOSER – IDIOT! – LOOK WHAT HE HAS DONE!
DON’T TRUST HIM!!! And
everybody I meet can read it.”
Dan
– “Last week, three months after he was released, is the first time
he has gone out by himself. It
will take along time before that feeling will go away but he is doing so
much better.”
ML
– “Eddie, you mentioned that you heard voices telling you to do
things or saying things about you.
Does this still happen?”
Eddie
– “The voices used to tell me to slash my wrists.
Kill myself. They
tell me, in a deep voice, that others are going to kill me.
In jail the voices convinced me that the guards were Demons.
Now the voices have changed… they yell “Phony! Phony!
Phony!” My doctor says
this is a good sign, not so destructive.”
ML
– “Dan, as Eddie came back to the community, what were your first
steps?”
Dan
– “After all the things were done with the police and the parole
office I took Eddie to his new apartment.
The first week was rough. Because
of his past the police put his picture in the two city newspapers.
This lasted for over one week of media coverage of Eddie’s
arrival in Peterborough. They
warned everyone about the dangers that existed for their daughters and
for women in general. The
people in the building that Eddie lived in reacted and forced the
landlord to make him leave. We had to find a new apartment and move Eddie.
He was even more scared now.
It was a rough first month.”
Eddie
– “If it wasn’t for my Circle people I would never had made it.
I would have bought a gun and simply robbed a place – and then
maybe died in a shoot out with the police.
If not that, I would be back doing 25 to life.
These people helped me.”
ML
– “What is your Circle like? Who
sits in your Circle of support?”
Eddie
– “There are 5 women and 5 men.
They all care for me. It’s amazing.”
ML
– “What did you feel like when you first met them?”
Eddie
– “I was frightened and wanted to run.
They all knew about me and I was scared they would simply leave
like others had before. But
they just came back again and again.
The women in the group were the hardest for me to take.
It had been 14 years since I had to deal with or relate to a
woman. In my old life they
were just objects that I used. My
counselor explained that I ‘objectified’ them.
If I gave them alcohol and drugs – they were mine to use the
way that I wanted to. The
women in the circle are different.
They really care for me. That
has been hard to understand.”
“One
lady invited me over to do some yard work.
As I began to do the work I couldn’t believe it.
She trusted me. She
actually trusted me – after all that I had done.”
Dan
– “That is the way the whole Circle has reacted to Eddie.
They have been there for him whenever he needs them.”
Eddie
– “If it wasn’t for my Circle people I would have failed at the
very beginning. In May when
I turned 40 years old they had a surprise birthday party for me.
When Dan brought me into the room there were all these
balloons…. I said to Dan, “WOW a birthday party… whose birthday is
it?” Then I saw my name
with Happy Birthday on a sign. It
was my first birthday party ever. I
had always celebrated my birthdays by getting drunk or stoned. The last
celebration had been 15 years ago.”
Eddie
choked a little at this point as he sorted the thoughts he was feeling.
It is very evident that the feeling of love and how to handle it
is something that he is learning. It
is evident that the love of his Circle is something that is keeping him
each day.
A
Circle of Support and Accountability was assembled before Eddie was
released from Prison. They
began meeting officially when he arrived in our city.
In this case, the Circle is comprised of people of faith for the
most part. They are a group of Pentecostals mixed with Catholics.
Their religious affiliation is not the focus; but rather their
love and it is all for Eddie. It is truly amazing to witness.
Eddie
– “If I need to talk to someone because the “voices” are talking
to me, I can pick up the phone and call any of them.”
Dan
– “Tell Murray about the tattoo.”
Eddie
– “When I was into Satanism I got a tattoo done on my right forearm.
It was an inverted Pentagram.
When I came out of prison I told Dan I have to get rid of this.
So Dan took me to this guy that does tattoos….”
Dan
– “Through one of our Circle guys, I met a born again, ex-Hells
Angel that still does tattoos. I
took Eddie to see him. It
was hard for Eddie. As we
went into the guy’s house Eddie paced back and forth.
He was very upset. The
“voices” were talking again.”
Eddie
– “The biker’s wife had made a CD on which she was singing. He had the CD playing. As
I listened to the songs she sung, I quieted down and then sat down to
let him work on my arm. He
covered the inverted Pentagram with some clouds, a hill and three
crosses on the hill, with light shinning through.
Take a look.”
Eddie
offered his arm to me. There
on his right forearm was a perfect picture of a place, we as Christians
call “Mount Calvary”, the place where Jesus died.
A huge lump came to my throat and I felt like I was about to cry. The original tattoo, intended to keep and remind Eddie of who
owned him, was transformed into a new one that would remind him of who
had purchased his freedom – with the Glory of God shinning through.
The
best part of this story is that there is no end.
The story is still going on.
The Circle members are there each week for Eddie – either by
telephone or in person. Two
of them pick him up for Mass, which happens for him, three times a week.
Some take him home for dinner and others take him out for coffee.
All of them are committed to help a former, very unlovable, and
potential murderer. The
local mental health workers backed away from Eddie when they read his
file. Our Circle folks
stepped forward and said; by the Grace of God we can do this.
My
hat goes off to Dan Haley and all his volunteers as they take these
brave steps to make and keep our community safe.
And my head bows in prayer for them as they work on this front
line of community ministry. Will
you join me in that kind of support?
The
following edited account was given by a man
released from a
Federal Institution)
I am an Offender who has been released
on what is called Statutory Release. I was given a three year
sentence for my crime in November of 1998 and had a Parole Hearing but was
refused so I was then entitled to this type of release at 2/3's of my
Sentence. My charges went back 10 years at the time I was
arrested. My Trial did not take place for approximately 15 months
and I was released on my own recognizance. My Trial lasted about a week at
which I had pleaded “Not Guilty” before I was found guilty by Judge and
Jury with sentence imposed.
For a man who has been married for 36
years to the same woman and has a 35 year old son, who is married to a
wonderful young lady it came as a complete shock to them. I had
pleaded not guilty and maintained this stance until such time as I arrived
at Millhaven where I underwent the Intake Processing. During this
time, I was put through several testing sessions both educationally and
emotionally. It was at a Session with the Psycologist that he told
me that I must admit my guilt for the crime I had committed as the first
step in the recovery process. Here I was, 68 years old and
incarcerated in a Federal Penitentiary. To say the least it was a
frightening experience. Being locked up most of the waking hours,
the clanging of doors, no choice in food, just a few dollars for Canteen
and a very, very sad Christmas. Once the testing was completed, I
was then transferred to Bath Institution which is classed as a Medium
Security Facility. In this facility, two inmates are in a cell
together and sleep in a bunk bed and you are in a Block Building until you
find yourself a job, go to School or are medically exempt. The rate
of pay you start at when you find a job is $5.20 per day up to a maximum
of $6.90 per day. If you are unemployed, the pay is $2.50 per
day.
As I had been a Credit Manager for approximately 30 odd
years of my working employment outside, I was computer literate and my
typing speed was over 65 words per minute. I then applied for a
position with a Contract Operation that the Inmates could work at, which
was typing Real Estate information from the United States which was
entered on microfiches and we would then transcribe it to Disc. Due
to Arthritis in both thumbs, a lower back problem and the fact that the
microfiche were so hard to read, as most of the information that had to be
transposed was from Florida Counties, it was very difficult for me.
I heard about an opportunity that had become available as the Educational
Clerk after about three months at this vocation, applied for the position,
and was successful at obtaining it. I maintained this occupation for the
duration of my residence at Bath. I had a terrific boss and all the
Teachers were most courteous and I did not have the guilt feeling of being
a Criminal. The most difficult part of the job was how to handle the
problems with the Inmates who had to upgrade their educational skills,
either in the classroom or by doing Correspondence Courses. It would
seem to always be my fault if the books weren’t available immediately or
their marks didn’t come back fast enough or were not marked high enough by
the Teachers marking them. Now, don’t get the idea that the majority
of Inmates in the Penal System are illiterate. There was one young
inmate who was doing Calculus and Physics whose average in both was
98.9%. Most of them would be very serious about improving their
educational standings along with reading, writing and speaking skills,
especially where English was a second language. The Teachers were
most patient with the students and in most cases marked improvement would
take place when the students would apply themselves to prepare for their
re-entry into the Community from an educational point of view. As
for myself, I was required to take a Course as an Offender and when each
of us had to do a Disclosure, in all instances it was some form of abuse
that we had suffered when very young, whether it was physical, sexual or
just the fact that we weren’t loved. I also took a Course on
Entrepreneurship as I was considering possibly opening my own Business on
my Release and needed to know more information in order to make
sound business decisions As for other functions that I got involved
with during this tenure at Bath I can say that they were extremely
interesting.
The first function that I got involved with was
A.V.P. better known as Alternatives to Violence Project. This was
one of the most profound Courses along with the Alpha Project and both
were of immense help for me to learn how to control Anger and have a
better understanding of our Religious beliefs. I recommend both very
highly. Next came the Toastmasters Group where the Inmates can
improve their speaking skills. It was usually promoted in order to
assist them when they would come up for their Parole Hearings that they
could present their cases to the Parole Board in a professional
manner. There are several levels that can be obtained and at
present, I have attained my Toastmaster Bronze level I was the
Chairman for the Chapel Council as well as the Chairman for the 50 More or
Less Group.
Now this is how I
kept myself busy and occupied. On the whole, it is my belief that
with the Programs that are available to the Inmate Population such as what
I’ve mentioned previously, plus A.A., N.A., OSSAP, SEX OFFENDER, and COG
SKILLS, plus the Educational Upgrading, that’s available, plus the
Volunteers at Chapel, both Protestant and Catholic Services along with the
Salvation Army their services are really appreciated in most
cases.
With seven months left in my Sentence, I applied to have my
risk factor lowered and be transferred to Camp. This was approved
and I was then transferred to Pittsburgh Institute. On arrival here,
even though my transfer papers recommended a Maintenance Offender Program
for me, the Program at this location was the most intense and nerve
racking situation, not only for me but the other participants as well,
that the stress we encountered was absolutely unbelievable.
Once
the inmate approaches his release date, especially those who have no
family support, no financial savings, then life gets pretty difficult
again. Some inmates, in these cases have to wait months more for
openings to come at HALFWAY HOUSES. Even when they get there they
cannot find suitable employment, have to share their living space with up
to three other parolees and get upset with the fact that nothing’s working
out for them.
DOES ANYONE REALLY CARE? IS THIS WHY
SOME INMATES FEEL THEY SHOULD COMMIT ANOTHER CRIME SO THEY CAN RETURN TO
THE PROTECTION OF THE PENAL SYSTEM WHERE THEY KNOW THAT THEY’LL GET THREE
SQUARE MEALS A DAY AND A BED TO SLEEP IN?
When an inmate comes out
such matters as Accommodation, Employment, Transportation need to be
discussed. Along with these items is the Adaptation to the Community
lifestyle, Awareness of Resources and opportunities to socialize within
the Community. Also a very important item an inmate needs a liaison
that would help with meetings with the Parole Officer, local Police
Department and a Psychologist in order to comply with any instructions
attached to the Statutory Release. I needed all of
this.
Shortly after my incarceration, my Wife filed for a Divorce
and it has now been finalized and it is difficult to talk with my Son on
the few occasions I’ve had the courage to speak to him. Hopefully
time will heal the wounds I’ve
created.
In
closing, I’d like you to know my aims and objectives are
“S U C C E
S S”
S - See my goals
U - Understand the obstacles
C - Clear
my mind of doubt
C - Create a positive mental picture
E - Embrace
the challenge
S - Stay on track
S - Show the world I can do
it
THANK YOU!
(Editor's Note:
Post Script.... Bob was being supported by a community based
support group that has offered extensive help to him. Bob's
success was contingent on his willingness to cooperate with the program
offered. To date, as we publish this Web Page, there were some struggles
as he was coming to grips with his reintegration. )
FRIENDSHIP
As a young adult male at the age of thirty-two I had
let my anger get the best of me. Combined with alcohol, angry thoughts
turned to a brutal and vicious attack on another human being. As the event
progressed, a man was left lying in a pool of his own blood with
twenty-one stab wounds over his entire body. Now it came time to fess up
to the act itself. After a province wide warrant that had been publicly
broadcasted on television, it was time to turn myself in so all the legal
matters could be taken care of In doing so, I faced the facts that I might
not ever see my own freedom again. Not only my freedom, but also any
family or friends. Sure you can keep in contact through the means of
letter writing, phone calls, or even the odd visit, but it’s just not
the same. Some people even feel as though they have died or even fallen
off the face of the earth when they are sentenced to serve a long period
of time in a federal penitentiary.
Adjusting to the way of prison life for the remainder
of my stay was quite the adventure in itself. Some might say that it is a
true example of culture shock, but for the men and women that had to do
the same, there are many different explanations. First you have to
overcome the fear or fears that one might have in coming to a federal
prison. Then the obvious, you have to learn how to live with other people
that you would normally not associate with out in the community, knowing
that some of them have committed various crimes such as murder and may
have the feelings to do the same or even worse again. Last but least you
have to overcome the feelings that one has in losing the power of freedom
itself Making decisions in what to eat, where to work, or any other day to
day normal decisions are now being made not by yourself, but by the
correctional staff of the federal penitentiary.
While in prison, most people when they first arrive
stick to their beliefs in wanting to stay away from other inmates. As time
passes, things change. The majority begins to have contact with other
inmates forming what they believe is a friendship. What they do not see is
that the majority of the prison inmates are out to do anything possible to
benefit the most for themselves; one minute being a so-called friend, and
then the next, stabbing you in the back. It’s an everyday occurrence. I
must say that this is not the case of every friendship in prison, but it
is the majority. Some get lucky like myself and find what society calls a
true friendship. It was during the summer months, while serving three
years at a federal prison, that I was able to meet a man that I would have
no problem or doubt in calling him my friend. There were no hidden
agendas, just an honest friendship. The beliefs we shared were nothing
short of being accepted by the outside community. Following them allowed
us both together as friends, to pass away the time needed to be spent in
the prison fast and easily. Being bonded in such a way also allowed us to
help one another when times did get hectic, or if other problems arose,
such things like the absence of family and friends on the other side of
the prison walls, out in the community.
When
having everything going well for you in prison it doesn’t take long, or
much to set you on a down hill course. You are already dealing with the
pressures one feels being in a federal prison, and not being out in the
community. So when something arises that is truly drastic, it takes a toll
on you no matter how big and strong you think you are, whether it be
physically or mentally.
Some that have bonded to become really close friends
know already in the beginning, that one day, they will have to be
separated because one of them may be transferred to another prison, or may
even be let out to go back into the community. That is okay, because if
the choice is given, one can always keep in contact either through mail,
or telephone. One however, can never be fully prepared for the loss of a
true friendship, not through release or transfer, but death.
For more
Information ...
Dan Haley
danhaley@nexicom.net
Peterborough Community Chaplaincy
Main office
P.O. Box 235
Peterborough
ON
K9J 6Y8
705-741-4172
(Office)
705-741-4833
(Fax)
Office
E-mail
ptbochaplaincy@nexicom.net
Dan's personal e-mail danhaley@nexicom.net
Web site
www.ptbochaplaincy.org
New
Beginnings (transition house)
953
Clonsilla Ave
K9J 5Y2